in memoriam
I remember sitting there will 150 other kids, telling myself that it was stupid to cry for someone I barely knew.
I remember hearing your sister talk about what went down, how you were optimistic about the whole sich, despite it being what it was. “I hope my friends will be able to see God because of this”. Your sister quoted that from you.
I thought I was tough as heck for not crying when everyone around me seemed to be completely falling apart. Now I see that it was just my heart being stubborn, stupid, and just stupid.
One person dies. It’s kind of like when you look at the sun, and then you look away, and you see this searing black circle that hurts your eyes until that slowly fades away and your eyes adjust again. I think that effect is happening in reverse process for me. Your kindness, gentleness, passion for people—most of all, your love for God and your confidence in His Sovereignty in bringing only good in your life and even death—I didn’t see it for the longest time. It was like looking at something really freaking glorious, and then looking away without the after-effect of your eyes hurting. But even though this effect is supposed to fade with time, the more I think about you and how you lived and how you left, the more speechless I am every time.
God, sometimes it’s hard to visualize what it would be like to be on fire for You. To want to live for You so badly that it would even be okay for me to die for You. To say, “Even so, glory to God”.
Man. Ever-increasing glory. I see it now. Even though You took her home exactly one year ago, Christ’s glory through her life and death is ever-increasing. Humble to death, yet exalted to the highest.
1 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in very nature[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.-Philippians 2:1-11
“I believe in God because of Anny.” That’s something I won’t ever forget. That simple phrase coming from Marjan in front of 150 silent kids.
Father, I want to be that kind of daughter too.
Then Thomas (also known as Didymus[a]) said to the rest of the disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.”
-John 11:16
I wanna be like that too. Like, “C’mon. Let’s die with the Son. Let’s die with Christ.” Even if it’s like actual death? Even if dying to yourself means that God might call you to physical death too?
Yeah. Yeah. Because I see Your beautiful sons and daughters like Anny and Stephen and Paul who literally lay down their lives and say, “This is okay. This is worth it.”
Alabaster jar. Break this alabaster jar.
in memoriam.
